You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
