I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
God, I missed his penis.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
