btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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