He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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