What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
