He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
