I looked at my own cervix.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
