She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
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He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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