I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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