now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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