She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
