I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
