I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
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