Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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