never play flip cup with pint glasses
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
All the doctor said was why
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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