my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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