my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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