I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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