Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
