she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
