at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Randomize
