I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
