I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
