I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
