I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
