So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
