I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
