I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
She's the barista slut.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
