HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
