he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Randomize
