there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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