I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
