Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
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