Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
