Yo dont text me then not text me
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
