Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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