yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
