This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
