sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
