Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
