Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
