When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
