Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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