He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
seriously i just wanna be friends
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Dating After Heartbreak
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?