atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
