We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I have surprise drugs for everyone
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
