when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
