When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
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I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
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So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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