You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
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Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
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Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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