Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Randomize
