listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
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is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
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Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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