Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
