Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Swine flu. Run for my life!
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
