She is in my trunk
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
