I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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