I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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