When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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