Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
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Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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