Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
