He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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